Dear Synopsis ... Watch Yourself

I'm in the final stages of editing a book I wrote about a year ago. I've tried to explain this book to people, but I get all tongue tied and twisted. It's a very odd book. Its appeal lies in the strange alternaworld it occupies and the currents that flow through it. And, of course, the story itself takes some very bizarre turns. 

All of this is back story, of course, to my real problem. I've been asked to produce a synopsis, which will be submitted to an editor who is actually waiting for it. Oh crap.

[Insert sound of thudding heart.]

I've taken a few stabs at it, and so far, no luck. I've followed the excellent advice of my friend Erica Orloff, who is something of a synopsis master. But all I get is a sodden pile of words that, to me, just isn't cutting it. 

'Cause the truth is, I'm crazy in love with this book. The main character is totally my kind of kid. And it introduces a recurring character who is ... I dunno, the Coolest Guy Ever and whose complete story will be told in another series of books. Oh, and there's so much more. Pianos fall and burst into flames. There are dueling dirigibles. There's a girl named Cherry BonBon (who is, sadly, forever out of my league) and slingshots and fat suits and chocolate pastries and orphans and a horrible boarding school and street fights. 

So, considering all this, I have something to say to this freaking synopsis:

Dear Synopsis,

Please cooperate with me. I will be forever grateful if you help me explain why this book deserves to be read. But I'm warning you, if you screw this up for me, I swear on all that is savory and sweet that I will kill you. I'm just saying.